I think one of most harmful things to say to someone is 'I don't need to know the story' when they are trying to open up to you.
~Me

Let's start with the updates... then we'll move on to the random chaos in my head.

Updates:
-I work in healthcare now.
-I have a new MINI Cooper. It's this dark cherry red. It's also stick shift. How do you like that?
-There's a boyfriend? What? And he's not someone that's a complete jerk. Huh? Yeah. I'm still trying to digest that. (Yes, this is different than the others... vastly different)
-I've injured my foot... again.


Randomness that I feel the need to unload somewhere

I think... let's start with the heavy stuff.

Abusive relationships have come into the spotlight as of late. Celebrities have the ability to do that. Something happens to them, and all of a sudden everyone cares... everyone stops turning a blind eye to situations... and starts to be an advocate.

Abusive, controlling relationships has always been a topic that always hit too close to home for me. No, Mommy & Daddy were never violent towards each other. It was the spouses after that marriage. Dad's girlfriend tried to kill me and was harmful to my father. Mom's new husband.. hah... well... he still thinks it's the 1950's.

I have my own track record too. Being with someone, seeing him raise his hand towards me, and thinking "I can take this." I was fortunate that he thought twice about it. And then there was the other relationship where I gave it my all, and it was never enough to keep him happy. There are other details, but I would just prefer to not go into it.

Last week, a woman, who was an up-and-coming attorney, was stabbed to death by her husband. Her story is what made me want to write all of this down.

A woman does not have to be this weak, unsure person to be in an hostile relationship. She can be the strongest, immensely independent, most career driven person there is. She can be a person that is outspoken and commands respect from everyone around her. While at the same time, turn around, and go home to someone that can take all of that away.

I have friends that don't understand what happened to me in my past relationships. That can't fathom me being any less of a person than who they know me as. What people forget is that the person we are with our friends and coworkers and other loved ones... is and can be a completely different person we are with our significant others.

I am no push-over when it comes to my friends and my career. I am the outspoken person of my groups. I kick ass at my job because of my ambitions and demand equality.

But, that person disappears when it comes to relationships. Somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that my independent streak had to be put aside when it came to relationships. Put the guy first.

Now, I can tell you all the right things and all the wrong things... and I can tell you that mutal respect and equality in a relationship is important. It is a lot easier to see what is wrong than to actually do something about it.

One of my coping mechanisms I developed was to separate the different groups in my life. Different friends for different things. Coworkers were coworkers. Family stayed far away from everyone else as humanly possible. And, the guys that I dated never ever ever crossed into any of those groups.

When you start out a little damaged before your first relationship... and you don't fix it... it gets worse.

So, now, I'm 24. I never learned how to be friends with the person I'm dating. I learned how to be the doting, completely submissive girlfriend who never asks for anything, who does what is required of her to keep the guy happy.

For the last year and a half, I've been healing. There were guys around to pass the time with. I even had one really good guy that restored some of my faith in guys.

Then walks in this other one. And, I can't tell you where it's headed. Heck, I can't even tell you if it's going to last very long. But, perhaps, people enter our lives when we need them. So, I can tell you this... he's the type of person I need.

So, we're starting over. Well, I'm starting over. I'm going to learn how to take all of my advice that I dispensed on those that asked for it... and apply it to myself. Because I don't think not being any other way is an option with this one.

On to step one...

Once Upon a Time...

-All I wanted was to do a job I didn't want... to make the money I thought I wanted... to start doing what I wanted at 35.

-I thought the answer was not to be a nurse but to be the best Executive Assistant.

-I thought I never really had a passion for anything that would become a career, so I preferred to be an assistant.


How things change.


These days...

-I've learned I have a passion for people. Even though I tend to be anti-social.

-I have a thirst for all things involving Human Resources.

-I've accepted that medicine is part of me and is in my blood.

-I have finally found a company that seems to really fit me and can utilize all my wacky skills and encourages me to enhance them.

-That money isn't everything. Having tons of money and being unhappy doesn't work. Being happy and having what you need is what works.

This post will mainly serve as a scribble of notes for things that I want to tackle in a proposed writing.

Gen Y... the supposed "blessed" generation. We were told that we could have anything we wanted... anything we asked for. We were supposed to be the first generation to basically not ever experience the hardships the previous generations faced. We were never to experience war or political corruptness or economic collapse. We were never to feel hungry or disadvantaged. Anything that we dreamed, we were to achieve. Nothing was to stand in our way.

How life has its own plans. You don't tempt fate. That's what I always say. I think our parents as well as us have tempted fate. Daring and saying nothing could happen to us.

I wrote a post a while back stating how different my generation was when compared to the older generation. How we are an instant gratification generation. We get to the point. We want what we want. Our attention span has become so shortened due to living in an electronic age.

Generation X says that we are entitled. Generation X says that Generation Y was coddled and indulged and spoiled. Maybe we are. But, that sense of confidence comes with reason. We work harder, smarter, and better. We're more innovative and less afraid to voice our opinions. We want to matter. We want to make a difference where we work. We learn a vast amount in high school and in college -- more than the previous generation. We just want something to show for our hard work.

So... for a while, I've been talking about this great job opportunity... to give me everything I thought I wanted.

Tell me. What do you do when you finally realize it's not all about the money? When life is more than just having a job?

I'm not knocking having a career. I'm the last person that would ever say such a thing. But, when I sold my life away for a hefty sum of money this month, I thought it was what I wanted.

In 3 weeks, my life has changed drastically. I'm at a crossroads.

These trying times are probably leaving a lot of people wondering what to do. I've been thinking... that maybe... just maybe... we all really need this. We all really need to be reminded on how to have a life again. To stop being so work-obsessed. To appreciate people and emotions and relationships again... not money.

Maybe we've all become a little too materialistic. Maybe striving for the bigger house, the imported car, the designer clothes, the exotic "whatever".. maybe all of that is the cause of our current turmoil.

Maybe we need to lose everything to realize we never needed anything.

I think that usually failures are blessings in disguise. Maybe it's the ridiculously optimistic part of me. I don't know. But I think in the end, it's liberating.

I'm not going to go into many details at the moment... as I am trying to plan my own agenda. But, I will get back to you on my adventures.

This post will be about a few things. My life. My career. My family.

For starters, let me make this note. My public/online persona. I will probably be taking my online posts and locking them away soon. This will stay public until I have the time to do this.

I am a bit in awe of where I am at the moment... of what is in front of me... of what is coming. I have pretty much achieved what I set out to acheive. I'm at that point where it's all or nothing. Like when you play a game, and you're in those final moments before you take on the last event that will conclude the game. All the prep work, the whole journey, the ups, the downs.. it's been leading to this. And you know that this coming event will test everything you have learned and who you are. The possibility of failing is there. It always is. But you are quite sure that your game plan will get you through it. And, you will succeed. You've come too far to fail now.

I'm sure I will have a few friends that will say I have sold out when I tell them what's ahead for me. In a way, I have. But, I have always had a tendency to devote my whole life to my career. This just makes it official.

Now. As for my family.

It took 8 years for my family to realize how wrong they were... and how right I was. Question now is, will I take them back?

I don't think I will. I don't think there's any coming back from the events that transpired. I have a friend that had one piece of advice about me... something that he told someone else. "Always ask her for her advice... because she's probably right."

My father tells me that my family wants to reconnect with me. My mother says to give them another chance. But, I can't. I have spent the last 5 years of my teens telling and explaining to my family what's wrong... why they're wrong. And, I have spent the last 5 years of my life without them. For me, there's nothing to go back to. This prodigal relative isn't coming back.

One of my friends say that I was crazy to throw away everything that I had, but he understands why too. I'm going to make it without my family. I never needed them. I've always had my friends. I've always said that I would make it with my friends.

So, to my family members that like to read up on me (I know you do check up on me by my journals), here's my answer. No amount of apologies will undo 10 years of crap. It was your mistakes and perceptions that put my father in his current situation. No one elses. You took my father away from me and robbed everyone of how good our family could have been. And, for that, I'm not coming back. You destroyed my immediate family. You don't deserve to know me.

Another year is over. Another chapter is closing on my life. Let's see what next year will bring. Who's excited?

Current Mood: accomplished

Relationships with your parents are always tricky and interesting things. The relationship with my father is a good one. I don't think I could ask for anything better really considering the situation. If he was healthy, I know things would be pretty awesome.

The relationship with my mother on the other hand. It's okay. I have a temper with her. I know it's common for daughters to get more than feisty with their mother, but I can just be down right awful. The littlest things can get me so pissy. I have tried for a while to keep my anger in check, but I guess if you just don't fully understand why you're angry, you can't keep your anger at bay.

I wasn't looking to resolve my anger issues this weekend. I have come to accept that my mother is the only one that can throw me into a rage in less than a minute flat. It's an accomplishment considering how even tempered I typically am.

On Saturday, I visited my father like I always do. Chit chatted about whatever. And somehow, the history of what happened to our family came up. My mother's indiscretions throughout the whole time.

It's not like I didn't know my mother cheated on my father. I caught her when I was in kindergarten. So, it's not like I didn't know.

But, maybe, it was my father giving me so many more details about it all... about how many times our family was on the brink of falling apart... about how much of a social climber and a cheater and just damn selfish she was... maybe it was hearing all of that made it all click in my head as to why I'm so furious with her.

We all have issues brought on about what our family life was like growing up. Mine are obviously about relationships. I rationalize a lot of stuff. Like why I won't get married, don't want children, want to keep what's mine as mine and what's his as his... no joint accounts... everything separate... why I'm brutally honest these days... and why I expect nothing.

I spent a few minutes thinking about how different my life would have been if my parents stayed together... if my mother was just a bit more of an honest woman. Would I have been like I was in HS? Would I have gone to the college of my choice? Would I be a nurse today instead of another corporate person in the rat race? If I had the typical life, would I be as strong and as ambitious person as I am right now?

Probably not. But that doesn't mean I'm not a bit angry about the whole thing.

So, what do you do when you finally figure out your anger? And, know that there's nothing that can be said or done from the other person that would actually make it all okay?

Thing is... nothing is going to heal my emotional scars or make up for the last 15 years. So what do you do when you realize that....

Beginnings are always so much fun, aren't they? Like a little happy pill. I'm all giggly.

Who would have thought that meeting someone that's actually my age would actually be the type of person I was looking for. Shocking. Very shocking.

What's even more interesting is that we're actually going to work on being friends first and not jump straight into it. Whoa.

Okay. I'm going to go because I have a crapload of work.

I am a contradiction.

An honest liar.

A rich, poor girl.

An outgoing, shy person.

I am honest to a fault, yet a liar on many things.

I come from a background that says that I should be well off, but I'm not.

I enjoy talking and being with people, yet at the same time would prefer to be all cozy in my own space.

I am currently procratinating on heading to the office today to get some work done. I know. It's going to bite me in the ass and mean that I will just have to be at work at 7am tomorrow and stay late.

But anyway. I wanted to note a few things.

My friends ask me often why I'm so nonchalant these days when it comes to dating and guys and relationships. Here's the deal. I will not ever ever become one of those girls who push the relationship to another level.. who feel the need to give the guy an ultimatum in a relationship. No. I refuse to be that girl.

I don't watch MTV anymore. I haven't really since I was in high school. However, I was just flipping the the channels and saw a "True Life" episode about long distance relationships. I caught the last 20 minutes of it. And, watching those 3 girls go through emotional turmoil and basically force an answer out of their boyfriends... I was just unsettled.

All three girls were looking to their guys to make the relationship more solid. They were tired of giving it their all and getting nothing back from the guys.

I understand where they were coming from. I went through something like that, but seeing other people do it.. It's just.. ugh.

I think it's funny that it's always the guys that never want to become more serious in a relationship even if it's a 2+ year relationship. I think it's funny that it's always the girls that tend to be the ones chasing after their guy and trying to hold on to what's left.

Look, bottom line is, ultimatums don't have a place in a relationship. You shouldn't have to force your significant other to move forward or make a decision with the consequence being the termination of the relationship if it isn't what you want.

Relationships should never get to that point. If two people in a relationship are very good together and work together, then it should never be a one-sided relationship. One person should never feel constantly neglected, ignored, and be the only one putting effort into it.

Because you know what? If the tables were turned, and it was the guy that felt like he was giving it his all and not the girl, he's gonna cheat or just end the whole thing.

Stop settling. Find someone that's as into you as you are into them. It will cause less heartache.

I have a million things to do today, but I have to make a few notes before I go.

Last night, history was made. The people of the US elected Obama as the 44th President.

I'm going to keep this short.

For those that are celebrating this victory, enjoy the honeymoon. It's going to be short. And, it should be. Russia is already challenging the next president.

There's more to turning this country around than just electing a very different candidate. There's more to getting back on track than rhetoric and great speeches.

Campaigning is different than governing.

Just because Obama is going to be in office, doesn't mean that this is when we all go back to doing nothing and hoping for the best. You got involved in the democratic process. If you want real change, you're going to have to stay involved.

I've been involved in politics since I was 16. Not just by hanging around Democrats only... but with Republicans and Independents as well.

Keep in mind that this is only the beginning. Obama has a lot of goals and high expectations to meet. He can't do it alone.

(I might just go back to doing charity work on the side again... who'd have thought that I would finally have hope and inspiration again to go back to community work...)

Okay... I'm off to do all the things I've been procrastinating on in Manhattan...

Let's start off with this:

If you can vote, please VOTE

There are a lot of things going on in my head regarding today. Advance apologies for the following incoherent rambling.

I am glad to say that I work for a company that employs people who do not take a backseat to elections, are actually informed on issues, and take voting seriously.

Was very excited to see people either getting up early to vote or just making a day of it. People actually requested off to vote or to do last minute campaigning for their candidate.

With that said, I wanted to somewhat talk about a conversation I had with someone this morning... who said that he thinks voting is pointless.

My response was basically this:

I vote because it is our right to vote. Because even though it may seem daunting or pointless or whatever to try to change things with it, it is still a vote. It is still my voice. As a woman and as a minority, this is a right that so many people have fought for to give me.

I vote because there are issues that are important to me that I want a say in.

I vote because we live in a democracy, and while our country may not be perfect, there are others that would like to have what we have... and this country was formed with the idea that the government should be refreshed every so often by the voice of the people... not by the people that run the land.

I vote because I firmly believe that if you didn't vote, then you have no right to complain who is in office.

I vote because you cannot change what happens in government if you do not participate in it.



Now, you can disagree with me on issues, on candidates, on anything really. That's your right. Not everyone is going to see everything the same way. My feeling is, argue the concepts, not the person. Respect their opinions just like you would like them to respect yours.

So, regardless of whether or not you agree with me on who I support, please, go vote.

I've been reading and re-reading Jack Welch's Winning books. I agree and understand most of what he says if not all.

This year, I had the great opportunity to meet a great "wise man" of the industry I'm in. His name is Don Libey. He is a good friend of the owner of the company that employs me.

I was going over Libey's latest piece of writing that tackles the current economic crisis, and found this quote quite interesting:

"Leadership is measuring, questions, understand, and thinking. Leadership is gathering, reassuring, demanding, and 'telling it like it really is.' Leadership is doing things right, not doing the right things. Leadership is being respected, not being liked. Leadership is focused and being present, not tangential and absent."
~Don Libey

I agree that you must be present to your team to be an effective leader... and that you should 'tell it like it is.' I just don't know how I feel about doing things right but not necessarily doing the right things.

Integrity is a big thing to me. People become more disgruntled as the amount of integrity goes down. If their leaders can't do the right thing by them or by the company, then what's the point?

I do believe that a company is about winning. But, it shouldn't come at whatever it takes and by whatever means. What's the point of winning the world if you destroyed it in the process?

It's late. I'm going to go to bed now... I just wanted to note that little thought.

I didn't comment on the second debate since I didn't get a chance to watch it.

I'm not going to comment much on last night's debate since I didn't watch the whole thing (I was out tromping around in the woods looking for my crazy cat... hoping to get to him before he met a wacky turkey or a curious coyote).

Here's what I am going to say. The example of Joe the Plumber was interesting the first and second time. After the 20th time, it just became ridiculous and a joke. Really. I just went to our cafeteria to get breakfast, discussing the debate with my friend. Some lady passes by and says, "Joe the Plumber sent me to get water." Everyone in the cafeteria started laughing.

See... a joke. It's become a joke. It's up there with "lipstick on a pig", "Joe/Josephine six-pack", "Hockey Mom"... oh goodness... look at where all those fun references are coming from.

This isn't about being an "elitist" or anything like that. This is about stupid catch phrases that have become a joke. Has it come to a point that a party thinks that they have to pander or accommodate or entertain the lowest common denominator? Have we lost that much pride in our citizens? Did it all of a sudden become the "in" thing to be ditzy?

Hummm.... I have so much more to say, but I will keep it to myself. If you read my last political post, you will know why.

My friend sent this to me yesterday... and I wanted to share:

Old Gender Roles with Your Dinner?

This was my response to him:

"Men rarely ask me about lighting. Women frequently do, wanting reassurance that it isn't too bright."

Seriously? Really? I never ask about that... and I just want to be able to read the damn menu! hahahah

"A man is more likely to care about being greeted rapturously and treated like an inside"

And I wouldn't?

"When I dined a few months ago at the restaurant Forge, in TriBeCa, the two women at my table were given one kind of amuse-bouche, while a male companion and I were given another. Ours: a crispy chicken wing. Theirs: chilled cucumber soup with trout.

Stephen Starr, who owns Buddakan and Morimoto, said that women more often hesitate if the name or look of a dish is too blunt a reminder that they're biting into an animal."

Okay, first, never ever give me the chilled cucumber soup if I can have a crispy chicken wing.... and second, I like to know what animal I'm eating. Hahahahaha



This article has been sitting on my mind ever since I read it. I've also been helping a friend with his Continuing Ed for Real Estate... and it just baffles me when it comes to unequal treatment of people.

I never really ever ever expect to be treated differently whether it's about my gender or ethnicity. And sometimes when I am, I don't really care enough to throw a fit about it. Only when it's just blatant and rude... like the time that a restaurant took its damn time to seat me and my cousins and they seated about 4 groups of caucasians ahead of us. I will not go into detail about that... but yes, I was a bit annoyed. I was hungry! Do not get in the way of my empty stomach and timely food consumption!

Anyway, I am not one who always follows traditional gender roles. Far from it. However, I'm not saying that I don't enjoy the guy taking charge or the lead once in a while (trust me... I tend to swoon because it shows a guy knows what he wants). When I'm out with my friends, I tend to do all the ordering and handling of the waiter...

What I'm trying to say is... It would bother me if a waiter just ignored me because I'm a female and went directly to the guy. Please don't treat me like I don't exist. You should be able to pick up that cue from how the guy is ordering... or at least from whoever seems to be most eager to speak first... I would have hoped by now that unequal treatment was a thing of the past...

Week 1 without the boot... and I cannot find my other shoe! I haven't seen the shoe in a month. My broken foot would like to have its shoe back.

I know what you're going to say... "Just use a different pair of shoes."

I don't have other work shoes that won't hurt my broken foot. I own ::thinks:: 4 pairs of shoes? 1 pair of sneakers, one heeled pair for work that doubles for somewhat formal outings, one pair of heeled boots for winter, and that 1 pair of nice sandles that are for everyday use and work that are flat enough for me to wear with a broken foot.

Where's my shoe? Don't make me go shoe shopping. :( Shoe shopping scares me.

On another broken foot note... I parked in my normal parking spot today. Normally, I walk over the curb to the street to the office. Today, because I'm still very *fearful* for my foot, I couldn't take my normal path! I'm afraid of the curb! You damn curb that broke my foot! I walked the 20 feet around the curb so I wouldn't have to step on it. Hahaha.

Mr. Curb, please don't hurt me... have you seen my shoe by the way?

...Once upon a time... she said, "I don't do relationships."

(Scroll down to skip the emo)

I was reading through my old blog posts (I've been blogging since 2002) yesterday... and stumbled on a small revelation for myself.

I had been looking to get back that smack-upside-the-head, oh-my-goodness feeling that I experienced when I met a certain someone.

For 3 years... That's what I had been looking to replace.

The last 9 months was the first time since I got back to the US in September 2003 that I was actually, truly single. And ever since I broke my foot in August, that was the first time that I sort of felt like I wanted to make an effort to date people.

Okay, maybe dating was out of boredom, but at least I wanted to try it out.

Only those that have been following my blogs at least for the last 2 years know who I'm talking about (yes, these posts aren't just posted here). So, everyone, I finally get it. It wasn't that I was just comparing every guy to him. I was comparing every first and second encounter to when I met him.

And what's even more interesting is that even before the days I met him, I had always said to my friends "I don't do relationships."

Amazing how one person can change your life. Amazing how it took one person to make me go from a non-relationship person to someone that is a relationship person (sort of). I guess feeling that special something with someone is addicting.


**On a more amusing note**

Yesterday was the first day I drove with shoes on. I had been driving barefoot because of my broken foot (right foot was/is broken). The first few minutes was interesting. Not being able to really feel the pedal. I think I kinda miss driving barefoot.

Since a vast majority of Gen Y cannot seem to swallow politics and the rest just don't seem to know how to argue politics without putting a person down for his/her opinions... I'm gonna keep this as short as possible.

Last night's debate. I was surprised at Palin's performance. She held her own while not really answering anything. This little sound bite annoyed me, "I may not answer the question the way you want to hear, but I'll talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record."

Umm.. how about you just actually answer the question instead of turning it around and talking about something else?

Yes yes. I know. Politicians do that. They have a knack for not answering anything. But it just annoyed me.

To whom my vote goes to was decided long ago. Nothing is really going to change it. Watching the debate made me feel better in my choice.

Biden's performance was good too. I think he was more knowledgeable and further proved himself.

I just want to leave with this note. The VP role has changed. But let's bring it back down to the basics. If for some horrible reason, the VP had to assume the presidential role, which one of VP candidates would you feel is more apt to do so?

Don't choose by emotions and who think you would have more fun slinging back a beer with. Choose by merit.

If we would all just be as careful choosing our leaders as we are choosing people to hire, work for, schools to attend, and/or other major decision, we all might be better off.

Nothing like wasting your afternoon walking the halls of a medical facility just so your doctors can figure out if you should be allowed to be walking as much as you are.

Gotta love it.

After waiting for 30 minutes and then being told to go to x-ray and waiting again for 20 minutes to be told to go back to x-ray because the girl screwed up the first set, I get to sit with the doctor (very awesome doctor btw).

And the result is:

No boot!*

*with the promise that I don't do anything stupid in the upcoming months. Foot is still broken.. but mostly healed! Hahahahaha

Soooo... gonna take it slow. Sort of. :)

I've said this before... and I'm saying it again. Never say that it can't get worse because it can, and you're just tempting fate.

4th week of hell is coming to a close. Are we going to shoot for 5 straight weeks next week?

I'm wondering if this is all just to see if I go insane at work... or if I become an alcoholic. Because seriously. Come on. Having my CEO's bathroom flood the day we have 3 clients coming in... that's just hilarious. That's just a direct shot at the person that can make my life a living hell in an instant. If he's cranky, guess who's gonna have a superior crappy day... I am.

It's the yelling chain.

Marbles... just marbles.

Since this is a better known blog, I cannot post a lot about my job. I will have to make everything super general. Thank goodness I have a friend that's in HR at another company. Can you imagine not having anyone to talk to about work? HR is like being a priest. Can't divulge anything. You hear everyone's grieviances and gossips and secrets, and you can't say a word about them.

Today was another bad day at work. Driving me to drink. Hah. No. No worries. I have enough control to not turn to drinking every time work is hell. Tomorrow is going to be another bad day. 3 straight weeks of hell is possible! Who knew?

Aside from work and the headache it's been giving me, I've been having to deal with a little heartache. I really did like him. As much as I was sitting on the fence about being with him, didn't mean I didn't like him. So, you live and you learn.

I remember when I was younger how I just bounced or juggled guys. There's something about getting older that having feelings for someone is more potent. Maybe it's because those feelings become rarer. I don't know. I just know that this wouldn't have affected me as much when I was still a teen. Live and learn.

I'm actually kind of grateful for the heartache. I haven't felt anything like this in so long. Maybe 2 years? I was honestly afraid of being apathetic to the point of no return. The heartache means that I'm not completely dead inside as I had feared. It's good to know.